(Hello, I’m the Creepypasta Critic. I remember it because it’s my name; what did you expect, dumbasses? Well, I’ve been running away from cops IMEANUH I’ve been on a hiatus for quite a while. But, to be completely honest, there are no cops chasing me. (My fans are sooo gullible, heh, heh, heh.) I took a break because I’ve felt that this series is getting stale and unoriginal. I keep saying the same stuff over and over for each pasta I rip apart. I know I’m getting a HUGE, GIGANTIC, COLOSSAL cult following from making these, but I need to find new, unique ways to critique shit, you know? Well, to cure you fans (and myself) from this hiatus, I’ve found two of the most unoriginal stories so far. They’re bland, uninspired, and (the most important part) not scary, it should be fitting for me to destroy these two stories with my big return to a wiki that no one even knows about. So no more dilly-dallying, this is “Five Nights at Freddy’s” and “Kirchu's Adventure Idea Lost Animated Episode: "The Gang Goes To A Sexing Club”..................................................................the hell is a “sexing club”?)
Five Nights at Freddy's By Deathly Clockwork (And no, I didn’t copy and paste the article title right here. What, when writing this crap, the author didn’t know that the first title he typed up counted?) (Founder of this Wikia Page) (No shit you’re the founder of this Wikia page.)
This story is (*Insert Capitalized Genre Here*) Pure Fiction (There you go, NOW you’re writing with power, WIMP!) and nothing said in this story Ever happened (Ah…..eh…..just,....just,.....go die.)
Introduction
Hello, My name is Mike Sch(m)i(d)t and one thing I need to tell you is never work as a Night Guard for
Freddy Fazbear's Pizza (In the night of a Night Guard. A night Night Guard.)
Here is a Documentation of my experience to show you why you shouldn't (For an experience that would normally scar a person permanently, that introduction was extremely brief, short, and GENERIC.)
Interview for the Job
My interview for the Job had Simple Stuff (I’m sure it was simple. Do you SEE how much the guy in the rat costume gets paid to walk around the arcade while sweating his ass off?)
Have you had any experience, where did you get this experience?
A: Yes, 3D Realms Security (I liked Video Games when I was young)
(Employer: SAY NO MORE! THIS CANDIDATE HAS BEEN GIVEN TO ME BY THE GREEK GODS!)
Do you accept the Risk of Danger?
A: Yes (, but please explain what this danger is before I say “Yes” on this line like I’m signing a deadly contract. Oh, you don’t want to satirize a job application, probably because the author is too young to have even seen one before? Then this plot point FAILS.)
Why Did you decide Freddy Fazbears Pizzeria was the place for you?
A: Because it was the Highest paying Job i've had in recent years (Oh, move over, McDonald’s! Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza is sucking your former employees in by the THOUSANDS!)
Then I was told that I would be called Sunday (THAT WAS THE ENTIRE FUCKING APPLICATION? No previous crimes or permanent records were looked at? This employer would probably hire HITLER if he were still alive!..............................................................................................................................Oh wait, I forgot that Hitler has that new job as being the Messiah. My mistake!) if I had passed and on Sunday I was hired. And the Following 12 AM I started my First Shi(f)t (Oh my god, THE MAIN CHARACTER IS A FUCKING BABY??? Oh, quit booing me!)
Night 1 - It Begins
I Walked through the Front Door
(Opened the garage door
Then I opened the car doors
And I got in those car doors
Put my dick in the ignition
And then I turn it sideways
Then I unbuckle my seat belt
As I burn rubber in the driveway
Then I drove to the Pizza
Heading off to the Pizza
I’m approaching the Pizza
When the fuck will I arrive at the Pizza!
Almost there at the Pizza
There’s this fucking car in my way to get to the Pizza
I ran his car over and killed the driver to eat some Pizza
Did I mention the Pizza?)
and before I walked to my Office I stared at the Anima(niacs) for a bit and it seemed as if they were staring back at me. It kinda Scared me but I shrug(gg)ed it off as I thought it was Just my Imagination
(Squidward: “ALRIGHT, FINE! Take me to Robot Pirate Island! I wanna arm-wrestle with cowboys on the moon! Just do it so I can get back and watch TV!”
It’s funny how that line made no sense out of context.)
and went to my Office, sat there for some time, the phone began to Ring. I left it to (put a) ring (on it WOAH-OH-OH) and a Message Came Through "Hello? I heard a New Security Guard Would be here by now so i'm here to say Hi, (Strange, usually idiot authors use random capitalization for explanation, but there’s some random capitalization right here in the dialogue! Score one for the “Drug-Induced Writing Indications” list!) Now um... before I talk to you about why they need you first is a Complimentary Greeting from the Company, it's a Legal thing you know, *Clears his throat* Welcome to freddy Fazbear's Pizza, A Magical Place where grownups and Kids alike can have the time of there lives, if damage to person is notifed a Missing Persons report will be filed within ninty days after the Carpets have been replaced and walls have been painted blah blah blah" (I know that this is supposed to be dark humor, and I’ll admit that I laughed at this, but if you didn’t say anything about waivers, what’s to prevent lawsuits against this business? And for a business that’s low on money, constantly replacing carpets and repainting walls sure takes up a LOT of it!)
God how long could this guy go on, he takes forever.
"So, your thinking why do they need me? well um... the animatronics do get a bit querky at Night but do I blame them? No! If I were to sing those stupids songs for 20 Years and I never got a bath i'd get it bit antsy to walk around too, (For people that have never been introduced to this franchise before, it makes it seem like the guy on the phone is a lunatic that treats these animatronics in the restaurant like real people.) now the only thing that is a Danger to you as a Securty Guard is... if they happen to see you, they won't see you as a Human Being, the'll most likely see you as a Metal Endoskeleton without it's costume on, (And now, it’s time for “Faz Math”! Remember, kiddies, a hair-covered, rubbery organ barrier = a metal endoskeleton!) Like Freddy and the gang, and since it's against the rules here at Freddy Fazbear's Pizza they'll... try to stuff you into a Freddy Fazbear Suit, (So every guest that comes into the restaurant gets stuffed into an animatronic suit? I wonder what coupons this place must be giving out to stay in business…) now it might not be that back…(“it will be THIS back! The spine on this one is much more firm!”) if it didn't have Tons of Cross Beams, Wires and Animatronic Devices, now being stuffed into one of those things could result in a little... discomfort... and death"
Okay a Little Discomfort and wait WHAT!?! (To be honest, this story would be better if the message on the phone was copied and pasted from the game. And yes, sometimes laziness CAN make your story better!)
"Now that Might(y The Armadillo) sound bad I know but there's nothing to worry about, i'll talk to you on the flipside, check those cameras and remember to close the Doors when absolutely necessary, Gotta Conserve Power, Night"
Oh god... What did I sign up for? It didn't matter, I had to survive this Night
I fliped up the Camera, The Bunny was Gone, I was afraid and switched Camera's Quickly, The Bunny was No where to be found…(Wow! It’s almost like the bunny animatronic was…..GONE!) I put down the Device and Powered the Door Lights... The Bunny was There and I shut my Door like no Tomorrow (Well, yeah, if you didn’t shut the door, there would be no tomorrow.) and Went back to the Cameras, The Duck was Gone but I heard sounds from the Kitchen, I went to Check the Camera there but... it was Blank, No Screen, Nothing but sound, Then I heard Metal Like Footsteps approach my Door, I powered the Light, The Duck was there and Shut the Door as fast as I closed the other one, (Uh, WHO closed the door again?) I pulled down the Left door and Turned on the Light, The Bunny wasn't there anymore, I went back to check my Cameras and The Bunny was back on stage, (Because if I were one of those animatronics trapped up on a stage all day and the only time for you to move around is at night, then the first place I would want to go is BACK UP ON THE FUCKING STAGE!) the Duck was back in the Dinning Area, it was 5:59 so I could Understand why they were going back.
It couldn't get any worse I thought to myself, but I was so very wrong
Night 2 - IT'S ME!!!
I Walk into the Front door and to my Office, I got a Call again and let it goto voice mail. The Message said "Hello? HELLO? If you there then congrats, i'm suprized you decided to stay Like I did. Well I Should tell you that the Curtain in Pirate Cove Opens up so Keep an Eye on it, ( I know that this was designed for strategical reasons in the game, but if something can harm the security guard in Pirate’s Cove, then why keep a CURTAIN over the section?) My Tactic is to Only have the Camera on Pirate Cove and Check the Doors, (Good luck with that! You’ll be as safe as a mouse in a box, with the only food to eat in the box being cheese right on top of a MOUSE TRAP!) for some reason when I look down at the Pad they Decide to Go into the office Rather than come at me Right away, (Huh, that’s strange. The animatronics must like to roleplay as Donald Trump.) Oh and Check the Cameras now! The Move around if your not looking" I Looked and Foxy as he was called was Gone "If Foxy is gone shut the Left door Now!" I looked down the hall and Foxy was coming to the Office at a super fast speed and I shut the door. He kept banning on it and the ran away. (What a CONVENIENT time to leave that message!) I opened the Door quickly to peak out and he Stopped dead in his tracks and Ran back, I backed in and closed itin a heartbeat. I Turned on the Right Light and Chica was there. Closed it, Checked the Left cam and Saw Foxy Walking Back to Pirate Cove. "Follow my Tactic and you'll be fine" (Wow. I can’t believe I’m actually saying this, but this pasta isn’t half bad. It’s one of the tamest ones I’ve ever critiqued. In fact, the writing made it…….DECENT! Wow! I can’t wait to read the rest of this epic past-)
This Night is Unfinished. Your welcome to make the story enjoyable and fix the "Wall of Words"
Thanks (...............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................YOU ARE ON CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!)
The End... for Now
This Pasta is a Work in Progress (Oh, a “work in progress”, huh? I’LL SAY IT IS!!! NNNNEXT!)
Before you read this, I have an announcement to
make saying that I want this article to be POPULAR (1,000%) (Not even ONE complete sentence into this piece of shit, and the author already shows how selfish and egotistical he/she is!) and in this lost KAI episode, it doesn't show the gang going to a sexing club! (Oh, OK, there’s a KAI episode about the gang we all know and love going to a sexing club. I’m sure this will be- WAIT WHAT THE HELL??? WHAT’S KAI? WHAT’S A SEXING CLUB? I……………….have so many questions right now.) If you comment saying that this is fake, that does it! (Pasta Author: “Ooh, people telling me that my made up crackship of a series is fake and horrible really rustles my jimmies, I’ll tell you h’wat!”) I will suspend you and you will be fired from this wiki! (Aw, but then I can’t shit on all the other garbage stories that you made!)
Time To Play Baseball! was released on VHS in 2003, and on DVD in 2005. (I……………….have so many questions right now. Again. But to start off, what kind of company thought it would be a good idea to manufacture a DVD release two years after they released the same product on VHS?)
Back in 2012, I was walking home from school, (I have no idea who the bloody hell our protagonist is. At least “Deus Ex Lightning Thundercrash” had SOME sort of introduction!) when I saw a yard sale that had old stuff needed to be taken away because they killed many people. (Because no one else who stopped at this yard sale before could tell the local POLICE that these items were pieces of criminal evidence, especially in 2012. Oh no, CELL PHONES were NONEXISTENT back then!) I saw many toys with guns in their hands, (I think I know the perfect present to give to Baconpig!) and I saw the Time To Play Baseball 2005 DVD! I was so happy, I got it! (Because seeing this object next to criminal evidence isn’t shady in the slightest!) So I popped the DVD into my DVD player, and then it got to play.
The DVD started with the normal Paramount DVD logo except, the animation of it was reversed, and the audio was from a K-Fee commercial featuring the girl praying in front of the Buddha statue from 2004. (After reading ahead before critiquing this pasta, get ready to see the Kefka gag from “Sonic.exe” TO THE EXTREME! I’ve checked on other stories from this “thrilling” series and that’s ALL that they are! Just blind, Kefka-esque references to childish shit! This is important, as this will carry on throughout the rest of the story!) When the stars came to the scene, that fucking goddamn (ugly reds) K-fee gargoyle from the Buddha commercial broke into the house (Because when you think of coffee pods, you think of gargoyles!) and gave out a heavily distorted scream at my face! I was so shocked that I ran away, and then it vanished for good! (So, you’re not going to think about how something that fictional could just break into your house around the time when you put a DVD into your player that you bought from a shady yard sale? Of course you won’t. This is probably the same author of “King Of Equestria”, for all I know. I honestly have no idea how people find this shit to be entertaining. I also have no idea why there’s MORE THAN FIFTEEN of these stories surviving on that braindead wiki that the braindead author owns.) Then, the main menu came up. I went to the episode selection and I saw 4 episodes: "A Trip To Play Baseball", "The Gang Goes On A Field Trip", "Oh Say Can You Say Dinosaur", "Dancing With The Gang (2-part-episode)", and 1 bonus episode "The Gang Goes To A Sexing Club" (Who the fuck is “the gang”? And why should I care? I think this is the most questions I’ve EVER asked a story, and we’re not even halfway done with it yet.) I didn't know what to choose since I am a big Kirchu's Adventure Idea fan, (KIRCHU’S ADVENTURE IDEA?????........................................Oh my god. It’s……..completely fake. The series ISN’T REAL!!! Yes, I know that seems redundant. Everyone’s going to tell me “Oh, Critic, every creepypasta is fake”. But this childish dialogue cannot mask over this fact. I’m not entertained or emotionally invested in the slightest. I can’t believe I’m going to say this in the same goddamn review, because usually I spread my callbacks into other episodes, but even though the abrupt ending was a HORRIBLE writing decision, at LEAST “Five Night’s at Freddy’s” dialogue wasn’t this pandering to my intelligence. Ugh, I’m hurting. I’m really hurting.) so I put up "A Trip To Play Baseball" since it was my favorite episode which had Fairly OddParents dialogue in it when the baseball game started, (That’s blatant copyright infringement! In this pandering, little, insignificant world that the author has created, Nickelodeon could clearly sue them for this.) but instead it went to "The Gang Goes To A Sexing Club"!
The episode started out with the CTW (1987) logo (Because “The Fairly Oddparents” is made by the same people who brought us Sesame Street! Also, some elements of this cringeworthy crackship showcase how young the author is.) but it was colored Sepia and it was shaking a lot, a few seconds later, it became B&W, and then the logo morphed to 3 year old handwriting saying "Deuch" which translates to "Die" in English. (Huh. I thought that translated into “The author of this pasta” in English.) The Cinar (1985) logo was same as CTW (WHY ARE THERE LOGOS FROM THE 80’S ON A 2005 DVD?) but apple juice was on the words "A" and "PRODUCTION" (Apple juice……..on a fucking 80’S LOGO! Boy, when the author completes elementary school, we might even get a “What the frickin FRICK?” out of him in a future installment!) the animation was reversed, and the audio was from a lost SpongeBob episode "Red Mist" then the logo started vibrating (Don’t worry about that logo! It’s my mother’s! Boy, she wanted to find that logo for ages!) and then it exploded into a million pieces! Then the title card came saying "Season 9 Episode 666 (9 seasons, 666 episodes made, and the show hasn’t gotten pulled off the air for copyright infringement ONCE?!?) The Gang Goes To A Sexing Club" and text came saying "The following Kirchu episode is not suitable for people who have heart problems or the loss of faint! (Watch out, you guys! We’re dealing with textbook grammar over here!) Viewer discretion is advised!"
The episode starts with, well, Super Mario Bros, Space Tiger, Maxwell, and Baby Derrick (I love how the author introduced “the gang” without caring that the audience STILL has no frame of reference for any character.) standing behind a person having sex at a 69 position, Space Tiger roared "HELLO EVERYONE WE ARE GOING TO A SEXING CLUB (And the tiger can speak perfect English! AND IN A REALLY LOUD, BOOMING CAPS LOCK VOICE!.....................................I LIKE DOGS!) AND IN IT WE ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX AT A SIXTY NINE POSITION! I WANT SATIN RIGHT NOW!" Then, he killed himself with an AK-47! (So, what audience was this written for again? Elementary school children, middle school children, or PRESCHOOLERS? I’m going with preschoolers, because that’s the ONLY age demographic that would find this to be entertaining or funny.) Maxwell said "Baby Derrick..." in a gentle voice. (Hi, generic Maxwell character!) Baby Derrick screeched "YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WHORE, I HATE YOU AND YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE KINDLY" (THE BLOODY HELL DID THIS MAXWELL GUY DO TO YOU, YOU UNLIKABLE, BLAND WHORE OF A MAIN CHARACTER?!?!?) Maxwell screeched "HOW DARE YOU PUT ME UP A FUCKING LIFT UP LEVER WE BUILT UP SOCIETY!" (Even though that wording was……………..BEYOND incomprehensible, I agree with that Maxwell tool! How dare you!) Then Maxwell and Baby Derrick beated each other(’s meat)! Then, Maxwell babbled "Craigggggggggggy?" (Bye, generic Maxwell character! Also, we as the readers have no fucking clue as to who won the fight.)
Then, it came to a clip of the deadly Baby Derrick walking for 3 whole minutes in front of dusk, (Even the TV show within the pasta likes to pander to its audience!) then, he reached the sexing club and then PASSED IT! (Oh my god! Baby Derrick passed the sexing club! It looks like…………….that baby can’t have any sex tonight!.......................................OOOOOOOOHHH!) Then, he said "Yawn! (Pasta Author: “No, he did not yawn as in the verb ‘to yawn’! He literally said ‘Yawn!’ I HAVE A VERY SPECIFIC VISION, DAMNIT!”) She'll be coming round the mount..." Then he held out a gun and KILLED HIMSELF! (And seeing how Baby Derrick started a fight with Maxwell for absolutely no reason, this is a bad thing because?) Then, it showed a picture of a dead body tumbling towards a giant heap of a strong storm. Super Mario Bros kicked the storm's ass and then ate blood on toast! He cried and wailed "WAAAAAAAAA!" for 2 whole minutes! (“Super Mario Bros” implies that the people being mentioned in the title are both Mario AND Luigi.) It didn't sound like cartoon crying, it sounded like real child crying! It then cut to a picture of a rat screeched at Space Tiger. Space Tiger said "You stupid rat! Shut the hell up (The rat…..didn’t say anything.) and I will now kick your..." Then, a typhoon came and screeched "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH! MY HEAD! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAO!" really loudly, I extremely barfed and vomited for this moment. (And then the episode shifted to that dream sequence in the movie “Altered States”! The dream sequences in that movie made just as much SENSE as this creepypasta! (Hey, if the author can pull random references out of his/her ass, then I can, too!))
Craigy The Rat came and screamed at the typhoon. Then, it cut to the baseball stadium. The New York Cuts were passing out dead hot dogs to the audience. (HOT DOGS ARE MADE UP OF DEAD PIGS! ALL HOT DOGS ARE DEAD!!!) Then, the audience fell down and died! (I’m sorry, am I reading a sequel to “Death Day”, or am I reading something about characters that I don’t fucking care about going to a “sexing club”?) Then, text came which said:
"The New York Cuts killed each and every people for those faulty gang members! This is all your fault! You could've not killed them! Your next to die!" (Ooh! I’ll drink to that! *the Critic pours two full cans of Four Loco into his mouth at the same time*)
The credits rolled, but Super Mario Bros interrupted the credits saying "Kirchu's Adventure Idea is over! Say bye bye, ladies and gentlemen!" (Birthday wishes do come true after all!) Then, he held out a sniper and then shot the screen, and my TV exploded! (Ironically, the dumbass author made more installments to this series after this story.) I sat there staring at my TV for 8 seconds, until I heard a K-fee(ka) scream whistling into my ear. I turned around and saw a dead hot dog! I didn't want to eat it because like the audience after they ate it, they died! (Oh, no! THOSE hot dogs were animated, and part of that stupid, cringeworthy TV show. THAT hot dog is real, and therefore not deadly in the slightest. Trust me!)
I gotta find a copy of this episode, it is out there somewhere. I know it. (Ooh, ooh! I know a perfect place to start looking for the episode! IN YOUR FUCKING DVD PLAYER, YOU BRAINLESS MONKEY! I mean, geez, is the protagonist really THAT fucking retarded?)
(So that was “Five Nights at Freddy’s” and “Kirchu's Adventure Idea Lost Animated Episode: "The Gang Goes To A Sexing Club”, and they were the definition of PAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN. Well, not really “Five Nights at Freddy’s”. If the same author finishes up the story, that one may actually be worthwhile and not pure shit. However, the concept behind it was still overused at best. But don’t get me STARTED on where this Kirchu shit fails! The first story may have had a few reality errors with bad capitalization, but I think “Kirchu’s Adventure Idea” literally took place in a world with modern Spongebob physics, with Uncle Grandpa as president! Yes, I am using references that I pulled out of my ass again. I’ll stop now.
The horribly dated and out-of-place references, how mindless it was, the characters in the episode itself were all unlikable and generic, the Engrish, characters telling animals that can’t talk to “shut up”, blood on toast, dead hot dogs. It was like a coupon advertising your local crack dealer that said “Hey, sample our new drug on the street: BAD WRITING!!!”. You notice how I’m raging normally, even after I drank those Four Locos? Well “Kirchu’s Adventure Idea” was so bad that if I didn’t drink beyond my heart’s desire, I probably would have DIED already from overheating! The second story I ripped apart will DEFINITELY stay in my memory for quite some time. I’m the Creepypasta Critic, and if you forget my name, then I’ll send that screaming zombie from that “Ghost Car” video on YouTube over to your house to kill you slowly while you sleep!)