Marcus Mabel, chiefest of the organization known as the Edge-Lords, sat back in his baby-seal skin throne content at his actions. He pressed a nearby button on his chair to summon the other two Edge-Lords, Darkmaster and 2xnitro.
Marcus: "GET OVER HERE, YOU CANCER-RIDDEN ASSWIPES!"
Nitro and Dark materialized near Marcus, bowing to show respect.
Nitro: "Yes, master faggot?"
Marcus: "I have invaded the mind of Mr. Rather."
Darkmaster bounced about excitedly.
Dark: "Yes, yes yes, this is good! Yes, very VERY good."
Marcus glared at the excitedly bounding DarkMaster.
Marcus: "QUIET, YOU INSOLENT WORM! The only reason you are here is because of one act of overt edginess. One misshap, and I will EAT YOUR HEART."
DarkMaster sobered, ceasing his excited bounding.
Dark: "Y-Yes, my Edge-lord."
Marcus: "I've sent them a message about us, so we must prepare."
Nitro: "Nah, them faggots ain't shit. We could beat their asses easy."
Marcus: "YOU DON'T GET IT! They are a supremely strong force, one wrong move and we're DEAD."
Nitro: "Aight, so what now faggot?"
Marcus: "Bring the Dimension Edge."
Dark and Nitro gulped, the name of that weapon inciting fear.
Dark: "W-why, my Lord?"
Marcus: "We need some...assistance."
The two weaker Edge-lords brought the feared weapon to their king.
Marcus picked the weapon up, feeling it's weight in his hands. He aimed at an unnocupied part of their current room, and brought the blade down. A tear in the Wikiverse formed at the blade's tip, and inside was...
Bonesy woke up with a start. He was in the medical bay with a tinfoil hat on his head.
Bonesy: "The fuck is this?"
Bonesy removed his hat as Spoooky came through the med-bay doors.
Spoooky: "Oh good, you're awake."
Bonesy: "And confused as hell, what happened?"
Spoooky: "Well, that's the thing. We don't know. Alarms went off talking about mind shit, and you collapsed and said something like "The Edge-Lords are coming." Then we brought you up here to see what the hell happened."
Bonesy: "So, why the tinfoil hat?"
Spoooky: "It stops aliens, so I thought it was a good idea."
Bonesy stood up, only to see that he had absolutely no clothes on. He hurriedly covered himself with his blankets.
Bonesy: "Where are my clothes?"
Spoooky: "We removed them to get at your heart, and then realized you have no internal organs. You're so realistic sometimes, it's hard to believe you aren't a real boy."
Bonesy: "Would you please get me another suit?"
Spoooky: "Yeah, sure."
Spoooky headed off towards Bonesy's room in search of a suit just as everyone else walked inside the med-bay.
Bonesy: "FUCKING SHREK, DOES ANYONE KNOCK ANYMORE?"
Celtic: "Oh calm your tits, it's not like you have a dick."
Bonesy: "It's the principle of nudity, man. I still don't like being seen without a suit."
Memez: "Yeah cool. Hey. Who in the hell are the Edge-Lords?"
Bonesy struggled to recall what he had learned from his brief interaction with their ranks.
Bonesy: "The most I can recall is that they're monsters."
Jack: "So, do we need to like, kill them or something?"
Bonesy took a deep whiff (don't question it, dammit) And looked at Jack.
Bonesy: "Are you high dude?"
Jack: "Well now, that's a dumb question. Of course I am."
Midna walked solemnly towards the med-bay door, instantly brightening up as she saw Bonesy's face. She ran over and embraced the skeleton.
Midna: "BONESY! I thought you had been killed!"
Bonesy: "Umm, Midna? I kinda have absolutely no clothes on right now, so this is mildly awkward."
Midna: "Oh it does not matter, you are a skeleton after all."
Bonesy: "(to himself) Everyone says that, jeez. IT'S STILL WEIRD."
Spoooky poked her head into the doorway, holding a hanger and pants.
Spoooky: "Room service?"
Bonesy: "Thank you. Could you all step outside for a minute, please?"
Ryuko: "Alright, ya damn prude."
Everyone stepped outside as Bonesy put on his suit.
Bonesy: "ALRIGHT, I'M DECENT NOW!"
Everyone walked back in.
Kerbin: "Wait, what happened to your hand dude?"
Bonesy: "Well, the original is buried in the head of some weird ghost creature..."
Celtic: "Fucking metal m8."
Bonesy: "..And this one I had made just in case I lost the other."
Ryuko: "Is that silver or something?"
Bonesy: "Nah, just aluminium. Where are we, anyway?"
Memez: "Above the Suggested Reading Shopping Center."
Bonesy: "Oh good! I haven't been there in forever."
The team lowered themselves into the atmosphere of Suggested Reading and docked the Rickroll. They walked over to the plaza of the Shopping Centre. They went to "Jeff the Killer's Artisan Cutlery" to pick up some knives for their kitchen. Then, they went to "Sonic.exe's Game Emporium" to pick up some nostalgic games from the past at a low price, even if the covers were coated in blood. Then off to "Mr. Poppington Skully's Clothing Shoppe" for a new wardrobe. (They HAVE been in the same clothes since this series started.) and topped the day off with a movie at "Moreana Mordegard Glesgorv's Marquee." They walked out at 1:21 at night.
Ryuko: "FINALLY! A day where we AREN'T attacked by some weird ass creature."
Bonesy: "Dont jinx it Ryu."
A man in a large trench coat stepped in front of them, odd protusions coming from his back.
Kerbin: "Dammit, Ryu!"
Trench Coat Guy: "For the Edge-Lord's long life!"
The man threw off his cloak to reveal his body. At every point there could have been a bone in his body, blades protuded from his skin. He had a scimitar-like blade on both of his hands, and a mace-like tail.
Trench Coat Guy: "I AM DARKMASTER!"
Bonesy aimed his Cannon at the creature.
Bonesy: "Good to know."
Bonesy fired at the creature known as DarkMaster, but he dodged out of the way. He went to strike at Memez, but Memez smacked his elbow at full force with the Staff. Bonesy readied the Bass Cannon to fire yet again, but DarkMaster was on the floor yelling.
Dark: "YOU DICK! THAT HURT LIKE HELL! HOLY SHIIIIITTT!!!!"
Celtic: "Wait, you're down ALREADY?"
Dark: "But.. IT SERIOUSLY FUCKING HURT! He probably broke my fucking elbow!"
Bonesy looked at everyone in disbelief.
Bonesy: "Is...is this happening?"
Midna: "I can assume that this does not happen often?"
Spoooky: "Nope."
DarkMaster looked pleadingly at Spoooky.
Dark: "You're a doctor, right? Could you check my elbow?"
Spoooky shrugged her shoulders.
Spoooky: "You aren't crying, and I didn't hear anything crack SOOO no."
Dark: "FUCK YOU GUYS, I'M LEAVING!"
Ryuko but his hands into fuzzy pink handcuffs.
Ryuko: "I don't think you are."
Celtic: "Wait, where did you get those?"
Ryuko: " "Jane and Jeff Mangum's Fun Shop"."
The squad had DarkMaster in a holding cell on the Rickroll, interrogating him.
Bonesy: "Tell us, Mr. Dark, where are the other Edge-Lords at?"
Dark: "Only if you get my fucking elbow fixed."
Bonesy sighed, tired of DarkMaster's bullshit.
Bonesy: "Okay look, Bippity Boppity Boo! (waves hands over Dark's elbow) There ya fucking go, I fixed it."
Dark looked at his elbow unsatisfatorily.
Dark: "But it STILL HUURRRTTTSSS!"
Bonesy: "(Facepalm). You know what? I didn't want to do this, but you leave me no choice. Celtic?"
Celtic walked in with full gimp-slave-cop attire and a ball gag, weilding a 20 inch dildo.
Celtic: "(muffled) Hey there big boy ;)"
Dark: "I'LL TELL YOU, I'LL TELL YOU JUST DON'T LET HIM NEAR ME!!!"
Bonesy: "Thanks Celtic, now go to your quarters. Ryuko said to tell you... Ummmm, 'Periwinkle?'"
Celtic: "Oh god, I gotta leave."
Celtic ran full sprint towards his quarters, dropping the ball-gag and dildo.
Bonesy: "That was... Mildly disturbing. You ready to spill?"
DarkMaster was shivering.
Dark: "Just don't bring him back for the love of atheism."
Bonesy: "Believe me, I couldn't get him back here if I tried."
Bonesy wrote down the details of where the Edge-Lords were located. He rounded most of the squad up.
Memez: "Wait, where the hell is Celtic?"
Bonesy: "Doing things that are now burned into my mind,so they're gonna stay behind."
Spoooky: "This is bullshit, i'll go get them."
Bonesy: "NO PLEASE DON'T!!"
Spoooky opened the door to Celtic's quarters and promptly shut them.
Jack: "What did ya see?"
Spoooky: "All I saw were whips, chains and some sort of ancient torture device."
(Are you happy now that I burned that image into your head? Know what that means? I win the game. :) )
Kerbin: "Let's just...Leave them to their weird shit."
Memez: "Agreed."
Bonesy: "Spoooky, if you would enter these vectors into the computer and PUT THE BLOWTORCH DOWN."
Spoooky was holding a blowtorch towards her eyes.
Spoooky: "Fiiiiinnnee."
Spoooky entered the vectors, and the ship was off to wherever the Edge-Lords were. Midna approached Bonesy at his workstation. He was chiseling and inserting objects into a stone tablet of some sort.
Midna: "Bonesy?"
Bonesy: "Yeah Midna?"
Midna: "It has occured to me that I have absolutely no weapon to aid this purge."
Bonesy: "And that is where THIS comes in."
Bonesy pushed a button on the back of the stone mirror and gave Midna a cylindrical device. Bonesy handed her the cylinder first.
Bonesy: "Hold this. I apologize for the slight twinge of pain you are soon to feel."
Midna gasped as a small needle pierced her hand.
Midna: "What have you done to me!?!"
Bonesy: "Don't worry. Wave your hand over this."
Midna glared at Bonesy, but her eyes lit up as the stone mirror floated around her.
Bonesy: "Follow me to the firing range."
Bonesy and Midna walked towards the range. A lone target dummy swayed in some unseen wind.
Bonesy: "Now, to fire this weapon all you have to do is imagine the wound of the target."
Midna: "I understand."
Midna took a deep breath and looked towards the target dummy. She raised her hand towards the dummy, and the Mirror reacted. A large pulse of energy blasted the head off of the practice dummy and seared a spot into the wall behing it.
Bonesy: "Good, you're ready."
Midna: "Thank you! But I must ask, why did this item (holds up the cylindrical object) cause me pain?"
Bonesy: "Simple. This mirror is a seperate entity, and as such needs someone to control it. The needle gave you a small microchip which the Mirror recognizes as a sort of controller."
Then, for the second time within two days, alarms blared.
(Missiles inbound! Evasive maneuvers activated!)
Bonesy: "Dammit Dark!"
Bonesy and Midna rushed towards the Command Centre. The comm-unit showed multiple orange dots headed towards the ship's location from all around.
Bonesy: "MEMEZ, can we get a visual?"
Memez: "Got it."
The large screen in front of everyone showed large fleshy, blade covered objects moving at extreme speed towards the ship. Everyone lurched as Spoooky barrel roll'd to escape the onslaught of missiles.
Kerbin: "You guys pilot, I'm going to fucking kill DarkMaster."
Spoooky: "WE CAN'T HOLD THEM OFF FOR LONG! WE NEED TO LAND SOON!"
Bonesy: "GO FOR IT!."
Spoooky barrel roll'd out of the way of yet another one of these things. She piloted the ship into the atmosphere of a nearby red planet. They landed on a flat piece of land and exited the ship.
Jack: "(queasy) You are an awesome pilot. I'm gonna go vomit now m8s."
Kerbin: "Sooo, where are we now?"
The ground was blackened, red grasses and other plants sprouting out from the barren ground. The sky was pitch black, yet they could see perfectly. An indeterminate techno song was playing softly in the background.
Bonesy: "I know where we are. I've been here before..."
Jack stared at the sky quizzically.
Jack: "What song is that?"
Bonesy: "Oh god, RUN DAMMIT RUN!!!!"
As soon as those words left Jack's mouth, a large swarm of bat-like creatures flitted out of a nearby cave shouting "Darude - Sandstorm! Darude - Sandstorm!" The squad was running and attempting to fire their weapons at the Daruders to no effect. The creatures nipped and bit at the team in an attempt to single them out and rip them to shreds. But Celtic and Ryuko were still in the ship. They needed to warn them. The squad ran into a cave with only one entrance and fought them off from there. Kerbin held up a radio and spoke into it.
Kerbin: "CELTIC! WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT LEAVE THE SHIP. I REPEAT, DO NOT LEAVE."
The only thing that could be heard on the other side of the radio was the brisk snap of a whip ant the spinning of a torture wheel.
Kerbin: "Dammit, he isn't answering."
Bonesy: "(grunt) Hand it over." Kerbin handed the radio to Bonesy.
Bonesy: "(into radio) CODEWORD:ECHIDNA DICK, THINK ABOUT AN ECHIDNA'S DICK!"
(Bonesy: 2, Your mind: 0 :) )
Bonesy heard a deep groan of disappointment.
Celtic: "(on radio) WHAT!?"
Bonesy fired the Bass Cannon towards the cloud of Daruders and Celtic recognized that they were fighting.
Bonesy: "DON'T LEAVE THE SHIP! STAY INSIDE!."
Celtic: "What, why?!"
Kerbin leaned over.
Kerbin: "JUST DO IT, DAMMIT!"
Back on the ship
Celtic heard a fizzle as the radio died. What the hell was happening there? He walked over to the monitor and saw what was going on outside the ship. Swarms upon swarms of Daruders flooded from a single cave.
Celtic: "Ryuko, can you pilot this thing?"
Back at the cave
They were beginning to tire when they heard a loud explosion, and the Daruders stopped coming. The rest of the squad looked out of the cave to see Celtic, still partially nude, with mounted Bass Cannons aimed at a different cave. A speaker lowered from the bottom of the ship.
Speaker: "MISS ME?"
Bonesy: "That was awesome."
Jack: "I think i just shit myself. Twice."
Everyone exited the cave and re-entered the ship.Bonesy went back to DarkMaster's cell.
Bonesy: "Hey there, Dark. You know, Celtic REALLY wants to meet you, and after THAT how can I say no?"
Dark: "PLEASE NO, I'M SORRY!"
Bonesy: "If you're sorry, then WHERE THE HELL ARE THE EDGE-LORDS?!?"
Dark: "They're on 'Look at me, i'm SO EDGY!!'"
Bonesy stared at Dark, stonefaced.
Bonesy: "..."
Bonesy: "Dammit."
Dark: "It WAS pretty simple."
Bonesy: "I'm going to flush you out of the nearest airlock if you don't shut up."
Dark: "OK."
Bonesy headed back towards Command.
Bonesy: "Well, after that EXTREMELY simple solution I have the location of these guys. Let's go!"
The ship hummed as it rose up from the ground and exited the atmosphere of Techno Hell.
Back at the Edge-Lord's Lair
Marcus looked at his currently incomplete army. The only fellow Edge-lord here was Nitro, and while Marcus was overjoyed about it, DarkMaster was still missing. And a missing member still meant a weaker army, even if the one missing is it's weakest link. Mabel stood up from his baby-seal skin throne and stared towards Nitro.
Marcus: "So, am I to believe that DarkMaster was KIDNAPPED?!?"
Nitro: "That's what I said, faggo..."
Nitro's words were cut short by the presence of the Dimension Edge at his throat.
Marcus: "You were saying?"
Nitro: "(gulp) I-i meant m-my Edge-lord."
Marcus teased the blade lower to Nitro's throat.
Marcus: "Really? Because, you see, what I heard coming from that mouth was. What was the word.... Oh yeah, "Faggot?" "
Nitro: "N-no, I-i swear my Edge-Lord. I-i would NEVER say that t-to you."
Marcus seemed to contemplate his excuse, then removed the blade from his throat.
Nitro: "Thank you, my Edge-Lord."
Marcus: "Don't thank me yet, your life comes with a price. They are nearly here, and you must kill them."
Nitro looked at him quizzically
Nitro: "But how? I haven't earned enough- HURK!"
Nitro's words were cut short yet again by the presence of Marcus's hand buried into his stomach.
Marcus: "There is a small vial of mutagen in my hand, do you feel it going through your veins?"
Nitro: "W-why?!"
Marcus: "Just.Lie.Down."
Nitro fell to the floor, writhing in the excrucating pain of having your body reform into a monster. His spine extended over twenty feet away, and a tough rocky hide covered his now reptilian head, a large hollow tube extended from his spine. His arms and legs retracted into his body, and blades extended from his now draconic stomach. Nitro roared as huge, demonic wings extended from his spine. Nitro whipped his tail towards the ceiling, as it fired an explosive, allowing him to fly out. Mabel looked at his creation with a creator's love. He spoke to a figure hidden in the shadows.
Marcus: "That cannon in Mr. Rather's possession can only be blocked by your hide. Protect him until he destroys their ship and I can deal with them."
???: "Understood."
Back at the Rickroll, in mid-space
Bonesy was adjusting his Cannon when the alarm sounded for the third time within two days.
(Warning! Unidentified object approaching with malicious intent!)
Jack: "What does that even mean?"
Kerbin: "It means things want to kill us."
Spoooky: "We have visual. Onscreen."
The squad saw a dragon-like creature rumbling towards them.
Bonesy chuckled.
Bonesy: "Fire the cannons, kill whatever that thing is."
Spoooky: "Charging... Firing..."
The three seperate cannons fired, approaching their mark. But then, a ball of some sort entered it's path. Bonesy laughed.
Bonesy: "Is that thing trying to protect it? Good luck, evil creature thing."
The Waveform Beams hit their mark, throwing up a screen of dust and smoke. But then the smoke cleared. And both creatures were still standing.
Memez: "Holy hell..."
Bonesy: "Run."
Spoooky: "But, how did it..."
Bonesy: "RUN DAMMIT RUN!!"
They fled from the seemingly invincible ball of metal and it's dragon companion. But they were hit by some sort of fireball the dragon fired out of it's tail. They were crashing towards "Look at me, I'M SO EDGY!"
(Henceforth reffered to as Lamise).
They crashed into a nearby building.They exited the ship, ruffled and scraped but still alive.
Bonesy: "Is everyone okay?"
Jack: "No."
Kerbin: "I mean, I'm HURT but I'm not gonna DIE."
Celtic: "I'm good."
Spoooky: "I lost my jacket, but I'm not hanging from a spike sooo, that's a plus."
Midna: "I am not wounded."
Ryuko: "I'm good too, but I lost my bullwhip."
Memez: "Other than the fact that we're stuck on a hostile planet full of hostile anomalies, I'm just fucking PEACHY!"
Bonesy: "..and I've just lost a bone and I have no idea where the hell it goes, so we came out on top."
The squad looked at the surrounding area. Everything here had some sort of edge. The buildings appeared as swords piercing the sky. The medians in the road were razor-sharp, as was pretty much everything. Blades of grass were LITERALLY blades. The dirt, however, was replaced with gleaming white salt. The area they were currently in had a nearby lake, which appeared to be lemon juice. This was no place for creatures of flesh and bone (or just bone).
Midna: "What of the prisoner, DarkMaster?"
They saw an outline of a creature bounding across the bladed rooftops. Kerbin aimed the Banstick at Dark and fired, one of the Banium pellets catching him in the leg. He plummeted from the top of the building he was standing on, hitting a lemon juice puddle.
Dark: "HOLY FUCKING SHIT AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Celtic: "Great shot m8."
The squad rushed over to DarkMaster's location.
Bonesy: "Two questions. One, what in the fuck is that thing that blocked a fucking BASS CANNON, and two, 10 or 30?"
Dark: "Well (ow) the first one is 'The Winged Dragon of Ra', and i-i don't understand the second question."
Memez: "Wait, they can go to different UNIVERSES!?!"
Dark: "Y-yeah (ow) they have the Dimension Edge."
Bonesy: "I would've heard of that, I guard the Trollpasta Armory."
Dark: "That's because it's not from Trollpasta, it's from Starpolar."
Bonesy shrugged
Bonesy: "Huh, that's cool. Wanna know what I was referencing in the last question?"
Dark: "Not particularly, no."
Bonesy: "Years I will give your life until you die."
DarkMaster gulped.
Dark: "Thirty."
Bonesy: "Ya sure? Can i get that as an audio file?"
Bonesy held a recorder to DarkMaster's face.
Dark: "(ahem) I want 30 years."
Bonesy: "Thank you. Lock him back up."
Spoooky and Ryuko took him back to his holding cell on the Rickroll.They returned a couple minutes later.
Spoooky: "Uummm, Kerbin? Could you check the engine room on the Rickroll? I think it's fixable."
Kerbin: "kden."
Kerbin headed off to the Rickroll, radio in hand.
Memez: "You know what? I've only heard YOU give awesome one-liners. Nobody else. Why is that exactly?"
Bonesy: "Because pretty much all I do is make things and think up one-liners. I've got like fifteen in my head right now."
The squad walked the salty streets of Lamise. Though it was night, the streets were unusually empty of any sort of life. Then they heard a loud clanking. Everyone readied their weapons, as three creatures rounded the corner. They were beings of pure metal with arms sharp as razors. They balanced delicately on bladed legs, as they let out a grating screech. Bonesy fired at the one closest to him, glancing it and removing its arm. Memez used the Staff to knock one of them off of its delicate legs. It squealed and screeched as it flailed about like a beetle before Memez knocked its head off. Spoooky fired her Makarov, hitting the legs off of the third one but the second got her by surprise, placing a glancing blow to her side as she fell to the ground.
Spoooky: "HOLY FUCKING SHIT THAT REEEALLY DOES HUUUUUURRRRRTTT!!!"
Bonesy blew the other Edgekin's limbs off, throwing them onto a pile where all the other body parts were.
Bonesy: "Need a hand?"
Everyone looked at Bonesy, mildly disgusted.
Bonesy: "WHAT? I said I have 'em in my head, not that they were GOOD."
Kerbin: "(On radio) I think I can do this, but it's gonna take a while."
Bonesy picked Spoooky off the ground.
Bonesy: "You good?"
Spoooky:" You know, that thing knocking me down after stabbing me was just SALT IN THE WOUND!"
Bonesy looked back at everyone except Spoooky.
Bonesy: "And you guys thought I was bad."
They began to hear another clanking sound coming from the pile of limbs. The Edge-kin where reforming themselves. Just as they reformed, everyone knocked them back down and re-removed their limbs.
Memez: "Well shit, they're invincible."
Bonesy: "No, I learned some shit from Supernatural. I got this."
Bonesy went through the pile of limbs until he found all the heads of the creatures
(Ripping the hell out of his suit in the process).
(Good thing he just bought thirty more for only $100!).
(Mr.Poppington Skully's Clothing Shoppe!).
He took the heads and threw them into a nearby lemon-juice lake.
Bonesy: "Now, let's run away before they rebuild themselves."
The crew ran as far as they could before Kerbin chimed in on the radio.
Kerbin: "(on radio)Repairs are done, head back so we can leave this edgy-ass world."
Bonesy: "Negative Kerbin, they have an EXTREMELY powerful item.We can't let 'em keep it."
Midna: "That is secondary to the fact that these creatures have an indestructable servant."
Bonesy: "That too."
Kerbin: "(on radio) One sec, DarkMaster wants to tell you something."
Bonesy: "(off radio) Jesus, sprain his elbow and he bitches. Shoot him in the leg and he WON'T SHUT UP."
Dark: "(on radio) HI GUYS!"
Bonesy looked around, worried that DarkMaster's yelling would've attracted some other edgy denizen.
Bonesy: "You don't need to yell DarkMaster, now, what do you want?"
Dark: "(on radio) Umm, well, i have the place that Marcus is at right now."
Bonesy looked up at everyone else's surprised faces with one of his own.
Bonesy: "(on radio) And we should trust you why?"
Dark: "(on radio) Well, Marcus is kind of a dick. He banned me from my Neopets account because it wasn't "Edgy Enough". I mean, I TRIED to make it edgy as possible. I only had a red Shoryu named "BabySealsBlood". I mean, how edgy can you get on FUCKING NEOPETS!?"
Bonesy looked at everyone.
Bonesy: "Seems legit, anyone got any questions?"
Midna: "I do not understand what a "Neopet" is."
Bonesy: "I'll explain that after we kill things. (on radio) Dark? Care to share that address?"
Dark: "(on radio) Yeah, sure."
DarkMaster handed the location of Marcus Mabel to the squad. Bonesy wrote it down on the sleeve of his suit
(It was ruined anyway.)
Memez: "Let's dull this Edge-Lord!"
(Cue le unamused stares from everyone)
Celtic: "Just...no."
Kerbin: "(on radio) Never do that again please."
Memez: "OK. I've been demotivated enough. Let's go kill shit!"
Ryuko: "Now THAT'S BETTER!"
And with that final remark, the squad headed off to fight Marcus Mabel.
Marcus saw them coming eagerly. But he needed a few more minutes to prepare for a worthy fight. The morphed Nitro floated around his head like a restless serpent. Marcus brought the thing to the floor with a crash, and ripped the mutagen vial from it's heart. Nitro painfully returned to his Edge-Lord form.
Marcus: "I need your current form more than your Dragon form.Hold them off for a couple minutes, i need to prepare for this."
Nitro gasped in pain as he returned to his original form.
Nitro: "(wince) O-of course, m-my Edge-Lord."
Nitro stood up and blurred out of sight as he ran towards the squad.
Marcus smiled, the prospect of blood warming his blackened heart.
They were halfway towards Marcus's location when they heard Nitro. He was running towards them, almost as fast as Sanic.
"HeeeeEEEEYYY FAAAAAAGGGGGOOOOTTTSSSS!!!"
He said, the volume of his voice increasing as he closed in on the squad. He ran full force into Kerbin, knocking him down and triggering a round of laughter from Nitro.
"aaaaawww, did THE BABY FAGGOT FAAAALLLL?!?!?!"
He tackled Celtic's legs, sending him flying into Spoooky.
Bonesy: "Dammit! How can we catch something we can't see?!"
"yyooouuUUUU CCCAAAAANNNNNTTTTT FAAAAGGG!!!"
Nitro ran into Bonesy, clotheslining him and causing his head to fly off and land in Memez's hands
Memez: "(idea!) I GOT IT!"
Memez stood, still as a statue, waiting for Nitro to make another sound.
"is the fagGOT SCAAREE- HURK!"
As Nitro was charging for Memez, he sidestepped him and stuck the Staff out in front of Nitro's path. He took the Staff in the gut, causing him to faceplant at 80 MPH (Or Kilometers, idfk.). He was knocked unconsious as Ryuko chained him up (kinkeh). Memez held Bonesy's head up into the air.
Memez: "To kick ass or NOT to kick ass? That is the question."
Bonesy: "(le unamused) Shakespeare was alone when he did the 'To be or not to Be' thing, and he wasn't holding a skull. Now, can you put me back?"
Memez: "Oh, yeah sure."
Memez placed Bonesy's head back on his body. Bonesy rotated his neck 360 to make sure everything still worked.
Midna: "That is an odd skill, yet somehow I imagine it still remains quite useful?"
Bonesy: "Definately. One time, I got locked in a museum's glass case and..."
Kerbin: "Is this story time or Edge-Lord killing time? Let's GO!"
Celtic: "Ryu, Spoooky, could you guys take Nitro and put him in a cell? Preferably seperate from DarkMaster's, I assume that they wouldn't get along."
Ryuko: "OK."
Spoooky: "Sure."
Spoooky and Ryuko headed to the Rickroll with the newly captured Nitro. Bonesy stared at Celtic.
Celtic: "What?"
Bonesy: "Nothing, let's go."
Celtic, Kerbin, Memez, Midna and Bonesy headed towards Marcus's location. They were at the front door of the building he was in. The door was a gigantic, intricately carved black stone monstrosity depicting the most evil acts of torture known to man or demonkind.
Bonesy: "I'd step back if i were you."
Bonesy charged up the Bass Cannon.
Bonesy: "Knock Knock."
Bonesy fired, blasting the 20 foot tall door off of it's giant hinges and tossing it to the building's floor. Marcus Mabel, the self-proclaimed Edge-Lord, was waiting on them on the other side. He was a full six feet tall, although his features were obscured by a massive trenchcoat.
Marcus: "Hello, Mr. Rather. You appear to be armed to the teeth, yet how do you expect to kill ME?"
Bonesy raised the Cannon a second time, as Kerbin raised the Banstick.
Bonesy: "Like this."
The two fired their weapons at the towering demon, kicking up a dust cloud around Marcus and ripping a hole into the stone wall behind him. When the dust cleared, Marcus was still standing, and everyone could see the Edge-Lord for who he was. A demon. Horns spiraled from his head, further accentuating his height. His deep red skin was somewhat covered by the emergence of blades from every point of his body. He flexed his large wing in front of him and chuckled.
Marcus: "Idiots, i can only be WOUNDED by the edgiest thing the Wikiverse holds."
Bonesy: "And that is the Dimension Edge."
Marcus: "Yes, and it is right THERE."
Marcus pointed to a pedastal in which held the Dimension Edge. A thousand stony hands held it in place. It looked like an old-timey shaving razor, with the exception of the handle. The handle was constantly pulsing with a pure white light.
Bonesy: "So, to be clear, THAT BLADE is the only thing that can even WOUND you?"
Marcus: "Yes."
Bonesy: "Well then, I guess my path is clear."
Bonesy fired the Bass Cannon at Marcus, throwing up another dust cloud as he ran for the Dimension Edge. Mabel extended a long blade from his tightly clenched fist and walked towards Bonesy.Bonesy was at the pedastal, attempting to blast the hands off of the Dimension Edge.Kerbin stood in front of Marcus and fired, the shock of the Banstick forcing Marcus back a fair bit.Before he could reload, Mabel stabbed him in the chest, flinging him to the side.
Bonesy: "You know, Waveform isn't just ANY kind of energy."
Marcus was further angered by the calm tone of Bonesy's voice, so when Celtic attempted to slow him down, he stabbed his heart. Celtic was flung to the side like Kerbin.
Bonesy: "..It is desire given form, a pact with an unseen entity..."
Bonesy almost had the Dimension Edge free from its stone prison. But Mabel was nearing him. Memez knocked him off his feet with the Staff, but Marcus but his blade between Memez's eyes. He was flung aside like the rest.
Bonesy: "..If I wish to destroy, it destroys. If I wish to mangle, it mangles..."
Marcus was directly behind Bonesy, when Midna fired blasts of energy from the Twilight Mirror at the Archdemon. He turned and smiled, headed towards her, eyes filled with sadistic power and rage. Bonesy had the Edge free, but that wasn't enough. He brought the Edge down on the Bass Cannon, revealing a swirling stone brimming with red and blue energy. He held it in his hand, and brought it crashing down to the floor, breaking the Bass Stone and releasing the creature inside. It looked at Bonesy with pure joy at being freed from it's prison.
Bonesy: "(to the creature) You know what i need in return. Please."
The creature nodded in agreement. It flew over to Marcus before he brought the blade down on Midna. It latched onto Mabel, sapping all the energy from his body, which was a plentiful bounty. It flew over the bodies of Kerbin, Celtic and Memez, healing their wounds and returning them to the realm of the living. Marcus's body writhed in pain, before returning to his original form. 5 feet of angsty teenager with a lisp.
Marcus: "I DEMAND YOU RETURN ME TO MY RIGHTFUL THRONE, YOU COCKSUCKERS!"
Celtic took one look at the moody teenager, and bitch-slapped him unconsious.
Celtic: "That felt good.Can we kill him now?"
Bonesy, still staring into the now empty shards of the Bass Stone, pocketed them and looked at Celtic.
Bonesy: "I have something even worse than death. Chain him up and bring him to where Nitro is. I have a plan."
Memez: "WAIT!"
Kerbin: "What?"
Memez: "The Winged Dragon of Ra is still up there, and we need to kill it before we can get away."
Bonesy looked at the Dimension Edge in his hand, the soft white light pulsing along it's edge.
Bonesy:' "Might as well see if it actually works."
Bonesy aimed the blade at an unoccupied section of the room they were in, and brought the blade down.A portal formed where the blade cut the Wikiverse, and out of the tear in the fabric of space time popped...
SETO MOTHERFUCKING KAIBA!!!
Seto was seated atop a Blue-eyed White Dragon, wielding three swords (one with his mouth) and banging Mai Valentine, Tea Gardner and Akiza Izinski at the same time.
SETO MOTHERFUCKING KAIBA: "SCREW THE RUUUUUUULLLLEEEESSS!!!!!"
SETO MOTHERFUCKING KAIBA flew his dragon into battle with The Winged Dragon of Ra. Some say that they are STILL fighting to this very day.
The squad headed back to the ship, marveling at their apparently paranormal resistance to death.
Celtic: "But...how the hell did we survive?"
Bonesy looked at Celtic with a weary smile.
Bonesy: "Let's just say you owe me a favor after the night you're about to have."
Memez: "Am I a fuckin ANOMALY?!?"
Bonesy: "No."
Bonesy hefted the remains of his Cannon over his shoulder, a wide crack forming where he brought the Dimension Edge down.
Midna: "Your weapon is damaged. Did Marcus do this?"
Bonesy: "No, i did."
Memez: "Why?"
Bonesy walked ahead of everyone and into the ship.
Bonesy: "To save your sorry asses."
Bonesy headed towards the holding cells wich held Nitro and threw Marcus in. He looked at the adjacent cell wich held DarkMaster. Ryuko saw the scar over Celtic's heart.
Ryuko: "OH MY GOD, ARE YOU ALRIGHT!?!"
Celtic: "Yes, i'm fine Ryu."
Ryuko: "You look like you've been through some shit."
Ryuko took Celtic's hand and walked towards their bedroom.
Ryuko: "Let's make some better memories. The rocking horse is yours."
Celtic: "(to himself) Holy shit, thank you Bonesy."
Bonesy walked to his cell and took the restraints off of DarkMaster.
Dark: "Why are you doing this?"
Bonesy: "You helped us, and that is enough to buy your freedom."
DarkMaster looked quizzically towards Bonesy.
Dark: "What makes you think I won't just kill you and run?"
Bonesy took a small piece of paper out of his shirt pocket and handed it to DarkMaster. Dark looked at it and squealed in delight.
Dark: "A NEOPETS ACCOUNT?! THAAAAANNNNKK YOOOOOUUUUUU!!!!"
Bonesy: "It doesn't come for FREE though, you're gonna do one more thing for us."
Dark: "ANYTHING!"
Bonesy: "Wait here for a second."
Bonesy walked over to the cell Nitro was in.He held the empty Bass Stone shards up and looked at Nitro.
Bonesy: "Look into this, Nitro."
Nitro obeyed reluctantly, and saw that he couldn't look away.
Bonesy: "You like power, don't you? Well, so does this Stone. And it likes YOUR power."
Nitro shuddered as the Stone ripped the power from his body, returning his form to that of a prepubesent wannabe rapper. The stone crackled with energy and reformed into it's original shape. A small face pressed against the confines of the Gem.
Nitro: "W-what are you gonna do faggot?"
Bonesy: "Something VERY evil."
FIVE MINUTES LATER
Bonesy rigged up a small device on Marcus and Nitro that would play a certain song on an endless loop.
Marcus: "What the hell is this?"
Nitro: "This won't work, faggot."
Bonesy: "We'll see. Kerbin, shove 'em into the escape pod and ship them to the swamp."
Marcus and Nitro's faces dropped instantly.
Marcus: "The where?"
A minute later, the escape pod splashed down on a swampy planet. Nitro and Mabel looked around. The devices on their backs began to play a sound byte.
Dark: "(prerecorded) Hey, you dicks. I've decided to give you (PLAYS RECORDING) 'I want 30 years.' Now, the squad has graciously provided me with the means to last out the entire thirty with no hiccups, and a Neopets account. All I had to do was record this message and say something towards the end. So goodbye, and SHREK IS DREK!"
Those last words rang through the swampy planet, as the audio recording was replaced with "Smash Mouth-All Stars" playing on a 24 hour repeated loop.A booming voice rippled through the air of the swamp.
???: "WHAT ARE YA DOIN IN MAH SWAMP?!?!"
AN HOUR LATER
Bonesy was lounging around in a chair, holding the Dimension Edge in his hands. Celtic, Kerbin, Memez and Midna looked at it. (Jack has been in his room for a while, assumably blazing it the fuck out.)
Bonesy: "While we COULD go to any dimension, we need to rescue Veronica from... Me."
Memez: "And destroy all the Bronies and whatnot that live in his dimension."
Kerbin: "So let's do this. Open it up outside the ship."
Bonesy put on a spacesuit (He still needed it. Pressure and whatnot.) and jetted around a couple hundred feet in front of the Rickroll. He brought the blade down, and a tear opened to D.Bonesy's dimension. When they opened the portal they saw... A GIGANTIC metallic ball with the face of D.Bonesy painted on it. The pupils of his eyes held cannons that tracked Bonesy through the portal and fired. Bonesy closed the portal before the shells reached him. He opened up a radio link with Kerbin.
Kerbin: "Yeah?"
jBonesy: "Uuummm Houston, we have a NOPE."
Bonesy re-entered the ship and removed his spacesuit.
Bonesy: "Well, we can't destroy that thing unless we get some sort of..."
Jack walked into the room with a long,scraggly beard and a hunched back.
Jack: "THE DANK LEVIATHAN!"
Memez: "The what?"
Jack: "Destroyer of evil, eater of demons. The dankest thing Snoop Dogg ever created!!"
Memez: "Two things, how do you know this and how the hell did you grow a beard in three hours?"
Jack threw the beard off and straightened his back.He threw a dusty old book onto a nearby table.
Midna: "What tome of knowledge is this?"
Jack: "The Bible of Weed."
Kerbin: "Of course your weird-ass religion has a bible."
Jack: "I quote Weedviticus, "And in the seas of bong-water Snoop formed the Leviathan, and in the meth-deserts he made the Behemoth. These creatures, Leviathan of good and Behemoth of evil, shall fight until it is time to bl4z3 1t m8's."
Bonesy: "I don't believe that's a real thing."
Jack: "Well, it is. And i have taken the first step to unleashing it to destroy the evil Bonesy."
Jack pulled his sleeve up to reveal a deep, green light pulsing from his shoulder to his hand.
TO BE CONTINUED.